About Canada
Last updated 2005/05
Khanuckistani proverb: "Think small. You're Canadian. Let others run the world and hope they won't notice you."
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This is Canada ... (Ignore map references to US states) north of almost anywhere. It comprises 10 provinces (British Columbia, Alberta, Saskatchewan etc.) with their own elected regional governments (much like states in the US) and 3 federally administered territories such as Nunavit - which makes a pretense of independence but receives 95% of its revenues as a direct grant from the federal government.
The national capital is Ottawa, about 2/3 of the way up The Blob (the long strip highlighted in yellow) on the right, on the border with the province of Quebec by which it is dominated.
The Blob contains 2/3 of the nation's population of 30,000,000 (most immigrants deposit themselves in this region where they are recruited by the Liberal Party to vote for them). For most purposes this is Canada and no one else counts. Hold that thought throughout reading the rest of this.
Of the four marked western cities, Winnipeg, Calgary and Edmonton have nearly 1,000,000 people each and Vancouver (or more properly, the "Lower Mainland") something like 90% of British Columbia's entire population of 4,000,000. Scan north with your browser. Nothing much there ... right? The defined areas comprise nearly 90% of Canada's population (and no slight intended against places not mentioned).
Why this peculiar and uneven population distribution? Blame Mother Nature! Most of the country is rock, swamp, tundra and mosquitoes. A few Canadians who can afford the astronomically high cost of living there crowd themselves into the Vancouver area (the "Lower Mainland") which is the only part of the country even slightly habitable during the winter. The Blob comprises the present-day incarnations of Canada's initial settlements and maintains a vast political advantage because of history, population, its stranglehold on the national government and the compelling issue of French hatred for anyone who isn't French - which has been parlayed into a national unity issue by means of which other Canadians are hauled into line.
Canada has the world's worst winter climate and Canadians survive that long, severe season only by means of burning their abundant energy supplies. For this, they wear the hair-shirt of guilt, being the planet's largest per-capita users of fossil fuels (not that there is anything they can do about it unless they'd prefer freezing to death). An exception is, of course, the Lower Mainland where, in a pinch, you can get by winter with putting on a heavy sweater. That's why most of Canada's environmentalists and their organizations reside there.
Everything west of the Manitoba/Ontario border is usually called "Western Canada" and the rest "Eastern Canada". The Blob is also known as "Central Canada" or simply "Canada" by those who live there.
Over 600 aboriginal "first nations", all federally subsidized, currently seek sovereignty along with land claims exceeding $1 trillion bucks. This provides reliable work for thousands of lawyers and civil servants who otherwise would have to find real jobs. Native claims negotiations and Quebec sovereignty issues are Canada's principle industries.
Canadians enjoy being called "Canucks" for reasons best explained by a psychologist.
Canada is increasingly referred to as "Khanuckistan" (the spelling varies) by citizens of other nations. This designation arises from the fractious nature of relations amongst its various regions combined with puffed-up illusions of importance at the international level.
This flag reflects the Canadian reality.
In it's frantic desire to prevent the largely French-speaking province of Quebec from seceding, the federal government has handed itself over to politicians, businesses and criminals from that province.
All Canadian federal policy is formed while peering through the prism of Quebec nationalism. This is known as "the Coyne Calculus" because it was first described by Andrew Coyne, writing for the National Post. By means of that formula you can understand and forecast everything that happens in Canada.
The person you see is Gilles Duceppe, leader of the secessionist "Bloc Quebecois" political party. Duceppe is a former Communist party member (just like Jacques Chirac, president of France). When Quebec secedes, he will be its leader/emperor.
The official Canadian flag features Liberal red and the maple leaf. The tree producing the maple leaf does not grow in Western Canada and most people there have never seen a real maple leaf.
National Animal - the Jackass (proposed):
The proposed national animal is burdened by a great load it has neither the brains nor the will to get rid of.
The beaver is Canada's official animal. It consumes its own feces in order to digest cellulose, its principle food (obtained from wood). The rodent will attempt building a dam anywhere it hears a continuous sound below about 30 Hz at sufficient amplitude, even on dry land. Khanuckistanis think the beaver was chosen because of its industriousness and intelligence.
In fact, the beaver achieved symbolic status for no reason other than the fact its pelt was valued by Europeans during the early history of Canada.
The jackass is a far more appropriate symbol of Canadian reality. We wish him luck. He will need it to get his feet back on the ground;-)
National Bird - the Ostrich (proposed):
Canadians deal with the most important matters likely to determine their fate by pretending they do not exist - that is - sticking their heads in the proverbial sand. They wish, at all costs, to avoid confrontation or debate which they term "divisiveness". By this means they think to have achieved "national unity" when, in fact, there is nothing they can ever do to satisfy Quebec which abuses them at every opportunity while defrauding them of their tax dollars.
The photograph on the right is of Canada's recent former Prime Ministers Jean Chretien, wildly popular amongst Canadians, and a student of the ostrich. Owing to his prominent role in the way Canada has come to be governed by fraud artists and scam merchants we nickname him "The Jeanfather". He is extremely dangerous if provoked and once attempted strangling one of his critics.
Chretien's legacy is a government so corrupted and involved with money-laundering, kickbacks and fleering disrespect for democracy that it would shame a third-world dictatorship.
The official national bird is the goose and the less said about that, the better.
Canada would be a true French "banana republic" today were it not for the fact the British defeated Louis XIV's colonial presence at Quebec City (that's a place inside The Blob to the east of Montreal) in 1759. Worldwide, French colonialism has not produced a single democracy but, rather, a host of the most despotic regimes on the planet. The British victory ensured Canada was spared this fate although refusal by the French to acknowledge their defeat has resulted in a profound erosion of Canadian democracy and it's replacement by a regime of policies and special rules aimed at appeasing today's Quebec secessionists. Most Canucks meekly accept these arrangements and drive around in cars with bumper-stickers proclaiming "My Canada Includes Quebec". This is called "reaching out" to Quebeckers who have nothing but sneering contempt for such patronizing gestures.
Canada participated in both World Wars but in each case faced stiff opposition from Quebec which wanted to see the European English defeated. To avoid offending the French, Canadian schools skate around this part of the country's history. Canucks accept this as a small price to pay for "unity".
Canada is said to have become an independent country in 1867 but there was no such thing as a Canadian citizen until 1946 when the Citizenship Act was introduced. To this day Quebec has not accepted the Canadian Constitution so it remains arguable (not that Canadians would dare argue) whether or not Canada is a real country. Elections are almost always won by the Liberal Party whose identity has become inseparable from that of The Blob and, therefore, Canada.
The Liberal Party has incestuous ties to corrupt politics in Quebec, ensuring a reliable kick-back of cash for waging election campaigns, refurbishing motor-homes and going on expensive vacations. The leader of the Liberal party must always come from Quebec or, on rare occasion, from around Toronto. Canada has become a single-party state under the Liberals. The Liberals have ruled Canada almost continuously since confederation.
While Liberal support is strong (indeed, essential to their hegemony over the nation) in Quebec, a majority of Quebecers regularly now choose representing their province through the Bloc Quebecois Party which has Quebec independence as its agenda. Other Canadians are so terrified at this threat they have laughably permitted the "Bloc" sitting as "Loyal Opposition" in their House of Commons (I am not making this up!) as if it were a national political party. This astonishing kowtowing to blackmailers is said to prove "tolerance" and "understanding".
To retain support in Quebec, the Liberals have turned Ottawa into a giant money-laundering machine with which they pour tax dollars from The Rest of Canada into that province. Oil-rich Alberta and industrial Ontario are the only two provinces making a net contribution to the cost of running Canada and are, therefore, sole contributors to the input of this machine.
Ontarians seem masochistic in their acceptance of the situation but there is simmering resentment of the situation in the West (especially Alberta) which has spawned a number of political movements - most notably the Reform Party and the Conservatives - aimed at establishing some sort of democratic balance in the country (all unsuccessful). British Columbians make noises about how bad they are treated but when push comes to shove they tend voting with The Blob. Apart from Albertans, Canadians are risk aversive in the extreme.
Canadians love socialism and regularly elect provincial socialist governments in British Columbia, Saskatchewan, Manitoba and Ontario. The national Liberal Party is left of center. Quebec is statist by nature. Saskatchewan politics are somewhat "maverick". The favored provincial socialist party there occasionally exhibits conservative qualities and recently produced a balanced budget while a former Conservative regime became mired in scandal and deficits. They now have a "Saskatchewan" Party which is conservative but not "Conservative" and distances itself from the latter. Federally, Saskatchewan has proved Alberta's strongest western ally in opposing centralist agendas and politicians.
Alberta is anomalous in never having elected a left-wing or even Liberal provincial government. Alberta is Canada's most prosperous province and its largest per/capita contributor of equalization transfers to "have not" provinces (that means all the others except for Ontario).
Canada is said to be a democracy because it has a British style parliamentary system. Following introduction of the Charter of Freedoms and Rights in 1982 by Pierre Trudeau (The Jeanfather's mentor), Canada has evolved into a sham democracy where the judiciary determines what can and cannot be legislated. Increasingly, the federal government takes proposed new legislation to the appointed courts before presenting it to the elected representatives of the people for rubber-stamp approval.
The Canadian Prime Minister has vast powers of discretion far exceeding those of the President of the United States. He may unilaterally (without public or parliamentary examination) appoint members of cabinet and the senate, judges to the Supreme Court (and provincial supreme courts), senior civil servants and executives representing Crown Corporations. He might seek advice in these matters from others but he is not required by law or the Constitution to do so. He is, in effect, a dictator for the life of his government (there is an election every 4 or 5 years) and there are no term limits. For example, The Jeanfather held office for 12 dreary years until forced out by his own party.
Regrettably, the federal Liberal Party's genetic attachment to corrupt Quebec politics, the politics of secessionist blackmail and the rigid inability to conceive of Canada as anything other than The Blob have so poisoned the process of national governance that Canada faces a steady decline in its credibility as an example of a free and democratic nation.
Canadians are hopelessly divided against each other while not wanting to admit it. French Quebec will never accept being part of Canada, which it considers "english", and it is unlikely the alienated West will ever find itself fairly represented on the national agenda. If Quebec would finally secede, there might be a chance at unity for what's remaining. It is a slim hope for a nation incapable of overcoming the traditional insularity of the French or of developing a sense of initiative on its own behalf. Citizens in The Rest of Canada, brainwashed for decades by the Liberal party with its tar baby ties to Quebec, are terrified at the prospect of Quebec leaving.
Canadians dislike and mistrust the democratic process. In the last federal election, the percentage of Canadians voting was lower than the percentage of Iraqis voting a year later under life-threatening circumstances. Although few Canadians read the papers or pay any attention to the news, they regularly complain elections are held too often, that they are a nuisance and take up too much time. They dislike debate because this is "divisive". Canadians do not object to wrong-doing by their governments because doing so might encourage uncomfortable examination of practices they choose ignoring. They just shrug their shoulders and say "everyone does it". Lately (2005) "ADSCAM" has jolted a few Canucks out of their torpor but it's probably not enough to result in a real change to the way things work.
January 2006 update:
In a somewhat startling turn of events, precipitated in part by the monstrous "ADSCAM" scandal and booby traps laid by the Jeanfather for his rival, Paul Martin, "The Natural Ruling Party" (the Liberals) have been narowly defeated in an election, giving Canada a minority Conservative government led by Stephen Harper. This will mean a new leader for the Liberals and ramped-up noise-making by the secessionists who will now parade the vision of a putatively non-centralist government as "proof" Quebec is being hard-done-by.
Canadian culture is dominated by an obsession to appease Quebec secessionists. There simply is no other national agenda. Canadians cannot engage in discussion of any topic of national importance because this will surely rouse up the French in opposition and their determination to secede. Canadians who broach subjects evoking response from Quebec are silenced by accusations they are acting against the national interest by promoting "divisiveness" so ... Canadians are hard pressed to talk about anything at all unless it is something likely to please the French.
The federal Liberal party is both the author of this obsession and its chief beneficiary, along with its Mafia-style network in Quebec. Money to appease secessionists flows into Quebec, along with high sounding rhetoric to The Rest of Canada about "fighting separatism", and from there to friends of the Party and the Party itself. It's the Quebec/Liberal way of doing politics - hand in glove. Those Canadians who do vote, vote for the Liberals because they have duped everyone into thinking this way supports "national unity".
One thing on which most Canadians can agree is anti-Americanism. Quebecers despise anything "english" so they especially hate the US because there are more english speakers there than anywhere else. Anti-Americanism in The Rest of Canada (or ROC as it is sometimes called) is fuelled by these factors:
Western Canadians are puzzled by all of this but remember - what they think doesn't count.
Canadians are not a very inventive people (as the OECD has shown) and content themselves with selling-off their natural resources to pay for keeping themselves from freezing to death and to buy goods invented and manufactured elsewhere. Canadians did, however, invent freeze-dried mashed potatoes and the zipper. Remember that next time your doctor tells you to cut back on starch or when you get something caught in your fly.
The arts are heavily subsidized in Quebec. Quebec produces about 30% of all Canada's cultural exports and receives over 90% of federal subsidies for cultural development. Alberta produces 10% of Canada's cultural exports and receives 3% of federal subsidies for this purpose. This is part of Ottawa's covert plan to keep Western Canada as a resource hinterland while building its identity around the "French connection" rather than democratic values. Industrial subsidies and other forms of support also flow preferentially to Quebec.
Love of Big Government is in the blood of Canucks and in that of Quebecers especially. Daniel Johnson, a former Quebec premier, once remarked "In Quebec, culture finds no higher form of expression than in Government".
Canadians are deeply suspicious of the marketplace and of free enterprise in particular. There is no more certain way to destroy support for a project or business than to suggest it might make a "profit". In Canada, this is the worst of dirty words. It is just fine to pour billions of dollars of taxpayer money into losing businesses such as Bombardier (a Quebec corporation) but if a company earns its own way and declares a profit, it will attract outrage and demands upon government by the public for more "controls", additional corporate taxes or even nationalization.
Above all, Canadians value "rights" and "entitlement" while attaching very little importance to "freedom" and "democracy". If you don't believe this, check with Canadian historian, Michael Ignatieff. This is what fundamentally distinguishes Kanuckistanis from Americans. Any identifiable collection of Canadians can readily win recognition in the courts and have laws made or changed to suit their purposes. Canada's Charter of Freedoms and Rights applies fully even to non-citizens, whether or not they have legally arrived in the country. In Canada, you do not have to be a citizen to be a judge (except in Alberta, although this will soon be shot-down at the federal level).
Canadians are so determined to please everyone they will prostrate themselves before anyone claiming to be a "victim". They spent millions of dollars fighting the extradition of mass-murderer Charles Ng to California where he faced a possible death penalty there and, when they failed, immediately amended their laws to close the legal loophole that would otherwise have forced them to hand-over more such monsters in future.
You will not find a people anywhere more politically correct or predisposed to defending the accused at the expense of their victims.
Canadians stand for nothing except compromise and avoidance of principle. They will gladly submit to the Devil out of consideration for the possibility he may have a point. They have supported Fidel Castro in Cuba throughout his despotic reign yet he has not made the slightest move toward democratizing his nation. Their current Prime Minister, Paul Martin, attends fund-raisers for the Tamil Tigers, a Shri Lankan terrorist organization. Canada is presently attempting to repatriate a citizen from Guantanamo implicated in Middle East terrorism so that he can be shielded from the consequences of his murderous acts. Canadians think that by this way they set a glowing example of acceptance and understanding which others will leap to emulate while overlooking the fact there is no instance of a dictatorship ever having voluntarily stepped aside to support democracy and freedom.
When Zahra Kazemi, a Canadian journalist working in Iran, was tortured, raped and murdered there in 2004 under orders from the Islamicist regime the Canadian Foreign Affairs minister, French fop Pierre Pettigrew, timidly requested an international investigation. Pettigrew is more interested in his morning latte and his coiffure than justice. Nothing will happen. If someone in Iran is by some miracle convicted of murder, Canada would be obliged to grant asylum under protection of its Charter of Freedoms and Rights, should this person or persons escape and arrive on Canadian shores. Watch for it - Canada's "solution" to dealing with this atrocity will be to drag its feet until the relatives and supporters of Ms Kazemi finally weary of seeking justice (or die) then, the whole thing will be quietly dropped. Ottawa will roll out the red carpet for a visiting Iranian goon and all will be smiles and handshakes again.
A few days after the 9/11 attacks Alexa McDonough, leader of the Canadian socialist party, said that "If the United States thinks Mr Osama Bin Laden played a role, they should invite him to appear before an examining committee to satisfy their questions". Note ... "invite" ... and the respectful "Mr". If Mr Bin Laden were to say he had nothing to do with these attacks, most Canadians would take his word for it. Along with Ms McDonough's groveling, then Prime Minister Chretien (the Jeanfather) and John Raulston-Saul (consort of the Canadian Governor General) both attacked the US on grounds it was the real culprit and responsible for what happened. Canadians do not generally support the war on terrorism.
A University of Toronto professor at around the same time appeared on the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation's "Commentary" (the CBC is the propaganda arm of the Liberal Party) to advise all North American film companies they must at once cease producing movies depicting women as peers of men in business, sports, the arts or indeed, any other activity except cloistered home-making. Such portrayals, he raged, "offend our Muslim neighbors" and "attack their culture".
Naivety and docility are the hallmarks of Canadian culture.
Apart from refusing to take a stand on anything (besides anti-Americanism), Canadians find some common ground in excessive consumption of beer and in hockey. This part of their international stereotype is 100% accurate.
To capture Canadian culture and politics in a nutshell consider the following:
Q: "Why did the Canadian cross the road?"
A: "To get to the middle"
- If a Canadian had invented the wheel, he would have given it to the Americans to make something useful with.
- A Canadian will not take his own side in an argument.
- Canadians think that France was their ally during WWII.
Traveler's Tip:
Everyone knows about the Canadian habit of ending many statements with the peculiar nasal expression "eh!" as in: "This sure is a fine beer, eh?" ("Eh" is pronounced "ay" as in "day".) The purpose of this verbal appendage would seem to be to remind the listener some sort of response is expected, it being the case Canadians are not in the habit of listening to what anyone else is saying. So, "Eh!" can be interpreted as sort of a wake-up poke in the ribs or an equivalent to the CB radio operator's "over". The "eh" sound has become so popular it has even infiltrated the interior of ordinary words. For example, listen to any TV or radio news broadcaster (especially from Central Canada) and you will hear "Canada" pronounced "KayNayDa". Hockey fans are "haykey fanes" and something that happens between other events happens not "meanwhile" but "meanwhale". Especially amusing to Calgarians is the centralist pronunciation of our city's name as "kale-GARY" (emphasis on the last part) or "kale-gry".
All of this is harmless but the wary traveler (especially if one of those hated Americans) would do well to pepper his own speech with the "Eh".
Health Care: Canada has a national health-care system funded by taxation. The system is plagued by long waiting lists for access and by run-away costs. Any privatization which might help alleviate the pressure is strictly against federal law, except in Quebec where it is rampant. The federal government will not enforce the law in Quebec because it fears a reaction there from the secessionists. If you have a potentially crippling but non-life-threatening condition such as impending blindness - for example - the system encourages you to throw yourself on the mercy of the social welfare system for support in suffering your condition rather than paying the cost of a cure (and it is against the law for anyone to provide a "for pay" treatment - except in Quebec).
Many of the fundamental characteristics of this system as defined in the Canada Health Act are very good but Canadians have become so enamored of The Act they will not even accept discussion of possible changes (apart from increased funding, which they don't want to pay for - go figure) leading to much needed improvements. For example, the current system is held in a strangle-hold by health-care labor unions. These raise vociferous and sometimes even violent protest at any suggestion possibly resulting in some services being provided by non-union workers. They disguise their identity by trying to hide behind organizational names such as "Friends of Medicare". In the meantime, increasing numbers of Canadians must spend money out of their own pockets to receive necessary care in the US, Mexico or even India.
It's a great system if you are not very sick to begin with or you happen to reside in Quebec where the federal government does not dare obstruct freedom of choice. Good for Quebec!
Justice: Canadians like to say they represent a "just" society. This can mean "just" about anything. Twenty years ago Canadian Sikh terrorists blew up Air India Flight 182 killing 392 people (it was a religious/political feud between Sikhs and Hindus, imported to Canada by immigrants). It took 20 years of foot-dragging to bring the perpetrators to trial - there is no doubt who they were - while the federal government squirmed at the prospect of losing votes in constituencies dominated by certain Asian immigrants. The trial resulted in a full acquittal: witnesses had died in the meantime or forgotten crucial details. There is also strong reason to believe vital evidence was deliberately destroyed by agencies of the federal government. Now that same government places roadblocks in the path of an effective inquiry, appointing just one person to review millions of pages of documents. When terrorists strike, the Canadian reaction is to waffle and seek not offending the culprits and their supporters.
The Royal Canadian Mounted Police (RCMP) have reported there are at least 3 dozen internationally recognized war criminals (mostly from the Middle East) illegally resident in Canada and considered "armed and dangerous". Justice minister (at the time) Cotler refused releasing the names and pictures of these criminals because, in his words, "that would violate their right to privacy under the Charter of Freedoms and Rights". Insane, you say? Perhaps, but true just the same.
Military: Canada has no significant military capability and is dependent entirely upon the US for preservation of its sovereignty. Canada shelters under the Monroe Doctrine while doing almost nothing to maintain a military capability of its own. This does not prevent Canadians from criticizing US military policy at every opportunity and undermining North American security by catering for and sympathizing with groups and organizations supporting terrorists abroad. This is done to prove an "independent" foreign policy and show "tolerance". Canada was the last western nation to declare Hezbollah a terrorist organization and limit its fund-raising within the country.
International: Since the days of Lester Pearson, Canucks have considered themselves "peace-keepers". By this they mean accepting and trying to "understand" the actions of dictators who murder and imprison their own people. It also means "multi-lateralism" which respects the arguments of despotic regimes now ruling the UN General Assembly. It means not supporting and even opposing attempts by the US to export democracy. Yet, Canada participates in and financially supports "La Francophonie" (an association of French speaking nations - mostly former French colonies and all vile dictatorships - apart from France itself), possibly the world's most notorious collection of thugs, goons and war criminals. How this can be done while avoiding support for democratic reforms abroad is inexplicable, until one remembers the French are running the show.
In Conclusion: Canada is not such a bad place to live provided you do not mind 9 months of winter and 3 months of poor skiing.
Canada is protected by the US (a free ride thanks to the Monroe Doctrine), has abundant energy resources and a reasonable if declining standard of living.
The Canadian economy rides the shirt-tails of the US economy which is not necessarily a bad thing. Canadian economic policy is irrelevant.
Almost anyone can get into Canada, especially if you are wanted for a crime meriting capital punishment in another jurisdiction.
Free speech is tolerated so long as you keep controversial opinion to yourself (otherwise, you risk being accused of hate-mongering). You may, however, say anything you like about Americans. Promotion of hatred toward Americans is practiced even by members of the federal government.
Medical care is "free" but don't count on getting any.
There is freedom of religion so long as you do not make public statements influenced by your beliefs.
You are free to collect money and send it abroad to terrorist organizations although lately, under pressure from the US, you may find your tax-exempt status as a "charitable organization" questioned.
If you are a war criminal, armed and dangerous, your privacy is protected under law while in Canada.